After the End Page 14

  “Nothing? Really?”

  “Nothing,” I confirm.

  She purses her lips.

  If Hanna had her way, I think Linc and I would be a thing.

  Not happening. Nope.

  We eat breakfast. I am careful not to overdo it since I don’t want to see my food again on a ride. Then, we check out, dump our bags in the cars, and head into the park. School isn’t out, so it’s not particularly busy. There are quite a few younger children, but they’re all too small for the bigger rides, so we shouldn’t have long waits. There aren’t a massive number of roller coasters here anyway, but there is a lot to see, and there’s always the bar.

  Ian, Jack, and Linc walk behind Hanna, Mel, and me as we head to a roller coaster.

  “There are children everywhere,” Jack moans.

  “Three children, Jack,” Linc replies sarcastically.

  He turns his nose up. “Yeah, they’ll multiply.”

  Hanna tuts. “We’re at Legoland, babe.”

  “And whose fault is that?”

  Okay, so I’ll admit that I feel a little out of place, being in my twenties and here without small people, but Lego boxes go up to age ninety-nine, right?

  It was so much fun here the last time. I’ve missed fun, so I don’t really care what we’re doing as long as our group is together, and we’re laughing.

  My eyes catch Linc watching me as we join the short queue for the roller coaster. I bite my lip and look away as the image of his bare chest slams into my mind. I think I’ll be able to conjure up that image anytime for the rest of my life.

  Though his sculptured chest looked hard, the skin covering it also looked soft and smooth. I want to touch him and see.

  “Line’s moving, Tills,” Hanna says, laughing as she nudges me forward.

  Whoops.

  “You scared?” Linc teases, nodding his head in the direction of the ride.

  I’m petrified … but not of the roller coaster. Well, not the one I’m about to ride anyway. It’s roller coaster Reid I’m scared of.

  “I don’t know how I’ll cope.”

  He laughs at my dead tone and steps beside me. The others are all in front now. The ride seats two next to each other, so I figure it will be Linc and me. After this morning, I’m very okay with that.

  “Well, anytime you want to jump on me to protect you …”

  “I’ll keep that in mind, thanks.”

  His smile widens, and it steals my breath.

  God, he is beautiful.

  He’s right beside me, arm occasionally brushing mine as we move along the queue. I can smell the woodsy tone to his aftershave.

  He’s simultaneously attacking each one of my senses.

  We shuffle along again, and we’re going on next.

  “When was the last time you were at a theme park?” I ask him.

  With a smirk, he replies, “The last time we were here.”

  “Yeah, me, too.”

  Hanna and I planned a trip to Alton Towers theme park with our friendship group, but Robbie died.

  “I’m glad we came here now,” I say.

  The gate is opened, and we’re let in. Linc and I take a seat, fourth from the front, behind Hanna and Jack and Mel and Ian.

  I tug on the small rod of metal that seems too thin to adequately save my life, but I’m sure it’s fine. The ride doesn’t even go upside down.

  Linc chuckles as I next push the metal bar down.

  “You don’t test the ride before it starts?” I ask him.

  “No, I’m normal.”

  “Well, don’t come crying to me when you’re thrown to a grizzly death.”

  The roller coaster jolts and then begins to move.

  “I’m sure I’ll be fine if this ride tips me out.”

  Okay, so I don’t think anything at Legoland can kill you—unless one of those big Lego statues falls on your head—but that’s not the point really. Who wants to be thrown from even a gentle ride? You’re still going to break something.

  The cart zooms forward, and we’re thrown from side to side. I’m chucked into Linc, but he manages to stop himself from squishing me. We judder to a halt at the end, and I grin up at him.

  Laughing, he pushes the bar off our legs. “Enjoy that, did you?”

  I step out of the cart. “It’s not the same as a proper roller coaster, but yes, I did.”

  Being here again has put a smile on my face, and enjoying everything we did last time only adds to that. My heart is light, the way it was back then. Here, there is no pain or guilt. We’re young people acting years below our age and having fun.

  I needed this.

  “Good,” he replies as we head out of the gate. “Where to next?”

  Hanna bounces. “The fire engines!”

  “Oh, we are so kicking your arses this time!” I tell her.

  Five years ago, we split into teams, couples and then me and Linc, and we went head-to-head. Jack and Hanna just clinched the win, but I’m physically stronger than I was, and Linc has been working out a lot.

  “It’s on, bitch,” she replies, smirking and grabbing Jack’s hand.

  Mel scoffs. “Ugh, we have no chance.”

  “We only have no chance because you refuse to get your hands dirty and help me,” Ian replies.

  Mel glares at him.

  “Come on, let’s go!” I grab Linc’s upper arm, my fingers stretching over his muscles.

  Yummy.

  I drop my hand because it would be a bit creepy if I kept holding him as we walked.

  Linc keeps up with my pace. “You look different today.”

  “I feel different today.”

  “It’s nice to see you smile like that again. I’ve missed it,” he admits.

  “Thanks. You don’t look so moody yourself right now.” I bump his arm with my shoulder and arch my eyebrow.

  Shaking his head, he laughs. “I’m not that moody.”

  “Right now, you’re not. I’ve always liked it when you smile like that.”

  We pass various rides and attractions on our way to the fire engines. I want to go on everything.

  I’m a child!

  “It’s good, being here. I’m not looking forward to going home tonight,” he says.

  My heart sinks at the thought. “No, neither am I.”

  We can’t live at Legoland or any other place where we have fond memories. That isn’t real. Eventually, we have to face reality and decide if we can handle our painful, entwined past. In this moment, I feel like we can do anything. I’m attracted to him—duh—and I want to see how our friendship can develop. But the nostalgia of best times is working something fierce here. I can’t make any kind of lasting decisions while I’m here.

  There isn’t a line at the fire engines, as everyone heads to the cars and roller coasters when they get in, so we get straight on a Lego-looking fire engine.

  “You’re the stronger one, so you pump the lever and make the engine move,” I tell Linc.

  When we move the engine to the other end of the tracks, we have to get out and spray water from the hose at the fake fires and then go back to the other end and do the same.

  Linc stretches his arms. “No pressure then.”

  “Come on. With that body you’ve got going on now, you can beat Jack in your sleep.”

  His dark, stormy blue eyes glisten. “You’ve noticed my body?”

  “Linc, I’m not blind.”

  His lips curl wider. That’s fine. He can be smug or whatever. I’m not ashamed of the fact that I think he looks incredible now or that every part of my being wants to be closer to him. I’m sitting in a fucking red Lego fire engine, wanting to wrap my arms around his waist and be greeted with the comfort I’m sure I’ll get.

  I press my fingernails into the palms of my hands. I can’t go to him like that.

  “You’re going down!” Jack calls as we begin.

  Linc grabs the lever and pumps it up and down so fast; it’s almost a blur. The little fire engine m
oves forward with his efforts, and we shoot off to first place. I stick my tongue out to Hanna, and she gives me the finger.

  “Faster, Linc!”

  He doesn’t stop, but he does raise his eyebrow. Yeah, okay, I’m not exactly helping, but if I did, I would just slow him down.

  We hit the end of the track, and I grab the hose. Water sprays out.

  “Aim it, Tilly!”

  I am bloody aiming it!

  He helps, and we knock out the fire in seconds.

  “Go!” I shout, my heart pumping double time.

  Next to us, Hanna and Jack are bickering. She’s bitching at him to hurry up with the hose while hindering him by grabbing it and trying to aim it herself.

  We’re already on our way back, Linc having the fire engine flying down the tracks.

  Mel and Ian are doing well—not as well as us, obviously—but they’re giving Jack and Hanna a run for their money. Jack will be livid if they beat them, too. God, I hope they do.

  We hit the other end as Jack puts out the last of his fire, and they head back.

  This time, Linc takes over, completely absorbed in beating Jack. We look ridiculous, but I don’t care because watching him hold a hose and laugh as he squirts water makes me swoon harder than a teenager meeting Justin Bieber.

  Our last fire is knocked over, and we’ve won.

  My arms shoot into the air. “Yes! Ha, losers!”

  Linc chuckles. “Winning with grace there, Tilly.”

  “I don’t care. And do you think he would have won gracefully if they’d beaten us?”

  He frowns and then turns to Jack. “Sucker.”

  “Fuck off,” Jack shouts, thankfully out of earshot of any toddlers.

  We jump out of the fire engines, and I basically skip.

  “The best team won,” I cheer, holding my hand up for Linc.

  He gives me a high five and smirks. Although he’s trying to look a little discouraged by my behaviour right now, he can’t stop smiling either.

  Hanna was right; this was a good idea.

  “Let’s go to Lego Miniland next,” I say.

  “No, food first,” Jack protests.

  I tilt my head. “You ate forty-five minutes ago.”

  “I could eat something,” Ian chimes in.

  “We cannot spend all day eating.”

  “Okay, okay,” Hanna says. “Me, Jack, Mel, and Ian will go get food and meet you and Linc by the Miniland in, like, ten minutes.”

  I look at Linc, and he shrugs like he doesn’t care what we do.

  “Sure, see you there.” I walk off with Linc, and the others go in search of food. Jack should be a lot bigger than he is. “I love the miniature world.”

  Who wouldn’t like to walk around tiny buildings from around the world, all made from Legos?

  Linc has looked at the map once and seems to know the way, so I follow him.

  “Shouldn’t these kids be in school?” he grumbles.

  I look at their school polo T-shirts. “Linc, they’re on a school trip.”

  He turns up his nose. “Very educational.”

  “You are such a grump.”

  He smiles down at me. “Better?”

  “Much. I like your smile.” And your chest.

  I cannot get the image of him almost naked and in bed out of my mind.

  “There it is,” I say, spotting a tiny version of London.

  “Have you ever been on the London Eye?” he asks.

  “No, have you?”

  “Yeah, it was boring.”

  I roll my eyes. “Of course it was.”

  He laughs and turns to me, the smile slowly fading as his dark blue eyes delve into mine.

  My breath catches, desire blazing through my veins.

  I want him. Right. Now.

  His mouth parts, tongue darting out and wetting his bottom lip. He’s going to kiss me.

  Oh God, please just bloody kiss me!

  Something passes through Linc’s gaze, and he clears his throat.

  No.

  “The others are coming,” he says, straightening his back.

  No, I want my damn kiss!

  He recovers much quicker than me. My hormones are all over the place. I’m too hot, and all I want to do is drag him to a hotel room.

  “Hey,” Hanna says, grabbing a crisp from the packet in her hand.

  I smile and look away.

  Linc and I almost kissed somewhere between London and Paris.

  We spend the rest of the day on rides made for children, but we laugh so much that my cheek muscles are aching. After a quick drink in the bar, and Coke for the drivers, we head to the cars to go home.

  My heart is heavy as I say good-bye to my friends. Linc is driving me since we live near each other. Ian and Mel are taking Jack and Hanna home because they have to pass their house to get to theirs.

  I rub the butterflies in my stomach at the thought of spending a couple of hours confined in a small space with Linc. I’ve been desperate for physical contact with him all day—and yesterday, too—so I need space between us, not to be trapped in a vehicle.

  Lie. Big, fat lie.

  What I need is for him to put his hands all over me. But that can’t happen without an abundance of guilt after, so it’s best not to bloody think about it.

  I wave to the others as I get into the passenger seat of Linc’s car and sigh.

  Linc gets in, all smiles and relaxed shoulders. “Let’s hit the road.”

  Yeah, I would rather not. But we will always have this. Linc will eventually leave again, and life will return to normal, but Hanna’s meddling has given me good memories of my friend, post-Robbie’s death, and nothing will take that away.

  “Yep, let’s go.”

  24

  Tilly

  My head swims with confusion. The night away has been amazing. I’ve not laughed and been free like that since I was sixteen.

  But we can’t stay in a place that was part of my teens. We can’t live in the past, and one weekend of getting along with Linc doesn’t erase what happened.

  I wish it could because having a taste of the past was incredible.

  We’re now driving home and going back to reality. In about twenty minutes, we’ll be outside my house, and the weekend will really be over.

  Linc and I are alone in his car. Perhaps it’s what we need though because, when we go home, we have to go our separate ways again.

  I won’t hurt my parents by letting them see me hanging out with him.

  “You all right?” he asks.

  The last ten minutes have been travelled in strained silence, both of us understanding that this weekend was a one-off and that it’s almost over.

  “Fine. You?” I reply, fiddling with my fingers.

  “Uh-huh,” he mutters, though he sounds anything but okay.

  “What are you thinking?”

  On a sigh, he shakes his head. “You really want to know?”

  “Wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t.”

  “What happens when we get home? Can I talk to you, or do we go back to the way things have been?”

  “You’ve been talking to me,” I say defensively. Honestly, that was a bit of a dick move on my part. I know what he means. But I can’t make promises. “Okay, I’m just going to put it out there, Linc. I’d love for things to go back to how they were. We had an amazing friendship group, but I don’t know how to be your friend with Robbie’s death hanging over us.”

  The words lift a weight off my shoulders. There’s no need to sidestep the subject with him. It’s only eating away at me, making me feel worse for wanting a friendship when I feel like I should hate him indefinitely.

  Then, the weight is back because this just reinforces the fact that we can’t go back.

  “Tilly, if I could change what happened, I would do it in a heartbeat,” he says. His voice is low and strained, almost like the words knock the air from his lungs. “I am so sorry I didn’t do more. It’s something I have to live with
every day. The guilt never, ever lessens.”

  I close my eyes as my heart rips. “I’m not solely blaming you, and I know that Robbie made his own choices, but it’s hard. He’s not here.”

  “I know,” he whispers. “I hate that you’re hurting. You are the last person in this world I want to hurt. Tell me there is something I can do.”

  “You can talk me through that night.”

  His head snaps in my direction. “What?”

  “I know the facts. The police told us what happened, but I’ve never heard it from you.”

  He looks back at the road. “I … I’m not sure.”

  I wring my fingers. “Look, I know it’s a lot to ask of you, to relive that day, but—”

  “What? No, that’s not what I mean. I don’t care about me.”

  Well, I do.

  “I need to hear it. Please, Linc? All I have in my head is what I think happened, and it’s so painful.”

  “You want to talk about this now?”

  “Not in the car.”

  “Mine?” he asks.

  “Um …”

  Do I want to go in there? What if my parents see? If Linc and I are going to attempt some sort of friendship again, I’m going to have to tell them. But how do I tell them?

  “I don’t know where else,” he admits.

  “Yours is fine,” I find myself saying. “I’ll come tonight.”

  “You’re going to sneak out of your house?”

  I roll my eyes. “Crazy, right? I’m twenty-one. They need time, Linc. I don’t want to push my friendship with you on them, but I will eventually tell them.”

  Time to grow the hell up, I suppose. I don’t ever want to hurt my parents, but we have to move past this limbo we’re in.

  “Nothing about you is crazy. Well, not in a bad way.”

  “So, is tonight okay?” I ask.

  “Yeah, anytime, Tilly.”

  He pulls up just before my house.

  “Anytime? You’re going to regret saying that when I’m throwing stones at your window at three in the morning.”

  He smiles but doesn’t reply. After a second, he shakes his head. “I knew that was you.”

  “You heard me that night? Why didn’t you look out your window?”