Save Me Read online

  "I never believed that before now." I took another long swig and winced.

  "You want to know what else helps?"

  "Sure." I would do anything to stop it hurting so much.

  Smiling, he leant in and I was completely unprepared for his lips. Stunned, I sat still for a second until I felt the comfort I craved with none of the feeling. Ian meant nothing to me and I clearly meant nothing to him because he didn't even take me to his room. I let him kiss me. I let him take me to his car at the side of the house. I let him pull up my skirt.

  It hurt. It was my first time and he either didn't know that or didn't care but it didn't matter. I was close to someone without it hurting, emotionally hurting anyway. I closed off, shut everything away and for the first time since Dad died I felt absolutely nothing at all.

  Ian was right. Alcohol and sex took it away.

  ***

  I leant against the bar and downed the shot. In the thirteen days since I'd lost my virginity and learned how to feel fuck all I was free. Sex was entirely overrated, pleasure wise anyway. What it did, however, was take me to a place where I didn't have to think about anything.

  Sophie loved the new me. She was promiscuous and now she had a wing woman. I hated the new me. Hated what I did to my body and hated how my relationship with Mum and Ava had so many cracks I didn't think there was enough glue in the entire world to fix it. But I did love how I didn't feel like I was standing in a room full of people screaming for help but not being heard.

  No one can hurt the bitch.

  Since Soph left me half an hour ago to dance with some guy I was left alone at the bar to drink until I passed out or was picked up. Either was fine by me. I'd never be clean again, so what was the point in worrying?

  A guy with eyes the colour of dark chocolate and tattoos that'd make any woman swoon leant on the bar beside me. "Hey," he said.

  I sat up straight. Jesus, he was gorgeous. His just-fucked hair made me want to jump him in the middle of the club. "Hi."

  "I'm Kai."

  I smiled. His name was just as hot. "Tegan."

  "Can I buy you a drink?" he asked, looking so deep into my eyes I wanted to tell him to do one. I smiled again. He saw more. I didn't want him to see me.

  "Thanks," I replied. "I'll have a vodka and lemonade."

  Kai was different. The other guys - eight to date - hadn't given a shit about me at all, they hadn't asked if I wanted a drink or made any attempt to even learn my name. I wasn't convinced that it was better this way but I couldn't make myself walk away after that second drink or the third.

  He was funny and a huge pervert. But he wasn't a sleaze.

  When he took me into a bathroom stall, for the first time since I lost my virginity, I wanted sex. Normal sex. When he'd kissed me I ached for a whole new reason. He kissed wherever his lips would reach, touched wherever his hands would reach. It wasn't purely selfish, he wasn't in a race to get off and then leave. He made sure it felt good for me and I realised that sex wasn't overrated. Kai was the first person to make me come, the first person to kiss me after, the first person to ask for my number, and the first person to take me back to a table and continue talking to me for the rest of the night.

  Chapter Three

  Lucas

  Dad lay on the sofa with two bottles of water, a cup of tea, all the medication he needed and a sandwich wrapped up for lunch on the end table beside him. Mum had to go back to work part-time yesterday so Dad was alone for a lot of the day, with plenty of people popping in to make sure he was alright. It had only been three weeks since the transplant and I was shit scared of leaving him in case something happened. He was going to need regular visits to the hospital and six weekly blood tests for the rest of his life. I wasn't a religious person but I fucking prayed to everything that could be out there to make him okay.

  As the last person that would be leaving the house every day, I had the responsibility of double-checking he had everything he needed for the first hour until my aunt and nan arrived.

  "Lucas," Dad said. "I'm fine and if I need another drink I'll get up and get it. That much I can do for myself. Go to work before you're fired."

  I did another check of the table.

  "You sure you don't need anything before I go?"

  "I'm fine."

  "You're not in any pain?"

  "No more than usual. I've got my tablets right beside me, ready to take in half an hour. Get going."

  I nodded. "Right. Okay. Nan and Leanne'll be here soon."

  "I know. Now go."

  I was terrified of leaving him. Dad had congestive heart failure and it had been getting progressively worse until the point where we were told that he would die very soon if he didn't have a transplant.

  I walked out of the house, forced myself to get in my car and drive to work. I'd never wanted to blow off work and just drive so much. I thought things would get better after the operation, thought I'd worry less, but now we were faced with Dad's body rejecting the heart and some pretty serious side effects from all the medication he was on.

  The garage I worked at was a mile down the road so I knew I could make it back in a minute if Dad needed me. I just didn't know if something bad happened a minute was quick enough.

  "Morning," Malcolm said, scratching his beer belly. Mal was the boss but he acted more like a dad, always looking over me and Leon. "You ready to spray the CLK?"

  "Yeah, gimme five and I'll be out back."

  I chucked my phone on the desk and grabbed a mask.

  "Hey, how's your dad?" Leon asked, coming out of the bathroom.

  "He's doing alright."

  "Good. And the girl you're obsessing over?"

  Tegan Pennells. Daughter of the man who donated his heart to my old man. You probably couldn't get much more complicated than that. She wouldn't leave my head, though. I couldn't stop seeing that look on her face. Her dad died and she was devastated.

  I wanted to help her but I had no idea how. Mum and Alison kept in touch and I knew my twin sister, Grace and Tegan's sister, Ava talked but Tegan never reached out and I wasn't sure if she wanted to. Couldn't blame her, I don't think I'd want to talk to the people that were still a complete family because mine wasn't.

  "I'm not stressing over her and I don't know." I rubbed my forehead. "I wanna do something. We owe her whole family so much."

  "Her dad made a choice, it's not one you have to pay for, Lucas, that's not how it works."

  "Yeah, I get that. He did it to help someone else, it's selfless and an incredible legacy, but to me he saved my dad's life and I want to do something to help his daughter."

  "Alright, I get it. Just be prepared for her to not want your help. Anyway, we better get this car sprayed fucking pink." He turned his nose up. "I swear if I didn't need to eat I'd refuse to fuck cars up this way."

  I grabbed my spray gun and mask and headed out back. Leon's words stuck around. She might not want or need my help but from what Grace had said, Alison and Ava were doing as well as you could under the circumstances but Tegan was all over the place.

  No matter what anyone said I owed it to Simon to try.

  Chapter Four

  Tegan

  I was probably becoming immune to alcohol because when I woke up I didn't want to saw my own head off. That suited me just fine. I wanted the freedom from thinking that being drunk gave me but I was totally fine not having a hangover in the morning.

  I drained the bottle of water I'd left on my bedside table. It tasted foul being warm but I didn't care. I didn't care about anything anymore.

  Heading downstairs for dry toast, tea and painkillers, I could hear the hushed voices of my mum and sister.

  They were doing okay. The funeral was a turning point for them. They cried a lot and missed him like crazy but they also spoke about him and smiled. I had absolutely no idea how they could do that without grief consuming them. I couldn't stand it. Them saying things like 'remember when...' or 'he loved this...'

  All p
ast tense stuff. In a short space of time I'd learned how to successfully shut myself down to everything going on and there was no way I was coming out of that.

  Mum and Ava sat at the kitchen table drinking tea. I could tell Mum had been crying by the light red tint around her eyes, slightly hidden by concealer.

  "Morning," I muttered as I opened the medicine cupboard.

  "Good morning, honey," Mum whispered. My heart squeezed at how sad she sounded. I clenched my jaw and concentrated on popping the little while pills out of the packet. Don't care. I wanted to be empty. It was simpler.

  The funeral was three weeks ago, to the day. Up until then - for the six days before that - literally all Mum and Ava did was cry and hold each other.

  The funeral was the second worst day of my life. I felt like I was on the edge of drowning the whole time and I didn't know how to get out of the water. I was lost. My family all came together to say goodbye. They all threw dirt onto his coffin and whispered their goodbyes. I stood still, staring into space and trying not to fall apart. I was encouraged to say goodbye, too, by almost everyone. But I couldn't. I wanted him back, not to throw mud at him and walk away.

  The house was painfully silent now. Before it was filled with music and laughter. The piano was always being played by one of us. Now I couldn't even go into the music room.

  "I spoke to Emily yesterday," Mum said. My hand tightened around the glass of water. Why she wanted to keep in touch with the family of the man that got his heart I didn't know. "Carl's doing well and they've asked us to visit one weekend."

  "What?" My heart fell into my stomach. Is she fucking serious? I knew they all spoke but I didn't know they wanted to see them. That was a doubly horrible day. Mum stayed at the hospital talking to Emily and her family for a little while, taking comfort in the knowledge that she knew where her husband's heart was going.

  Mum smiled. "Tegan, I know it's a difficult and an...unusual situation, but I think it will be good for us all."

  "I'm not going," I said.

  "We're all going, Tegan. We need this." She got up and left the room. We didn't need a visit to the Daniels' house. We needed Dad.

  I narrowed my eyes and shoved the pills in my mouth.

  "You're being really selfish, Tegan," Ava said. "Can't you just do this for her?"

  "Shut up, Ava. Why do you want to go there? What good could it possibly do?" Tears prickled in my eyes. I will not cry. Push it away. Breathing deeply, I managed to distance myself, returning to the safety of what felt like my dungeon.

  "They're good people and we have a connection to Dad."

  That was my limit. I couldn't hear any more without screaming at her. I fled the room and went back upstairs.

  Screw everything.

  I just wanted to sleep all day. I wanted, needed to forget. I needed to get so drunk I couldn't even remember my own name. Grabbing my phone, I texted my friend, Adam.

  'What's happening tonight? Kai's?' I put.

  His reply came minutes later, 'Yeah. Pick you up at 7?'

  'K, thanks.'

  Okay, eight o'clock was eleven hours away. I needed to kill nine hours until I could start getting ready. What the hell am I going to do for the next nine hours? Keeping busy was the key.

  "Tegan, do you want to look through some photos with us?" Mum called, her voice echoing upstairs.

  "No," I yelled back. Why would they want a reminder that we could only see him in a fucking picture anyway? I wanted no part in any of their reminiscing. He was gone and we were still here. That's just how it was.

  Groaning, I flopped back on my bed as I heard footsteps coming up the stairs. Here we go. Mum stopped at the threshold of my room. "Honey? Are you sure?"

  "Yes," I snapped. Stop pushing and just leave me alone!

  She nodded, her face plagued with pure sadness. I looked away. "Okay. Do you have any plans today?"

  "Going out."

  "Where?"

  "Sophie's. Adam's picking me up." She probably didn't believe me but it wasn't like she was going to stop me. "Did you want anything else?"

  "No," she replied quietly. I kept my eyes firmly on an old magazine on my desk, refusing to look at her. Why did he have to leave and break her heart? As soon as she turned away and left I breathed a sigh of relief and closed my eyes.

  Chapter Five

  Kai

  My mind was stuck on a certain blonde that I had pretty serious mixed feelings for. On the one hand I wanted to spend as much time with her as I could - exclusively - but on the other I knew she was nowhere near ready for anything like that, and I had only just got through my own shit.

  "Kai," Dad said, letting himself into my office and closing the door behind him. "Can we have a chat?"

  I scratched my forehead. "What've I done?"

  He sat down, which didn't look good for me.

  "There's nothing wrong at work."

  Yeah, I worked for my dad but then when you ditch school from the age of fifteen to drink, smoke and break the law it didn't leave you with many options.

  "Then what's this about?"

  "We've not heard from you for a few days, your mum's worried and Eloise said she's tried calling a few times."

  "Not been in the mood for an Elle lecture." My eldest sister was little Miss Perfect, and although she never looked down on me or anyone I couldn't help feeling that little bit more of a failure around her. She was the type of person that gave great advice and took it herself. Out of the four of us she was the most 'together' and when we dropped to being three of us six years ago she stepped up big time. She was able to help Carly but I was a beyond anything. Didn't help that I was high a lot of the time.

  "She's not going to give you a lecture, she just wants to know how you are."

  "I'm fine, Dad, you know that." I'd been fine for a year, but do you think they'd let it go. If I missed a call or didn't go over for a couple days it was always because I was back in my pot smoking, pill taking, bike riding hole.

  "I do know, but we'll never stop worrying."

  I ran my hand over my face, clenching my jaw. Would I always be the messed up one even after I'd gotten my shit together? I didn't want them to worry unnecessarily. It'd been a year since I'd come out of the other end of the tunnel but apparently that was not long enough for them to trust I'd accepted that Isaac's death was out of my hands. His words still haunted me but I knew he wouldn't blame me for not being able to save him. I wasn't a match - none of us were - and there wasn't a single thing I could ever do to change that.

  "Try."

  He laughed. "We'll try. What're you doing after work?"

  "Taking Tegan out on the bike."

  "Hmm."

  The fuck did that mean?

  "What?" I asked, glaring.

  "Her name keeps coming up, has been for a little while now."

  "And?"

  "And nothing."

  "Bullshit. Spit it out, Dad."

  "I was just wondering what was going on there." Or Mum, Elle and Carly were wondering and nominated Dad to find out.

  "We're friends. There's nothing to tell, so you can report that back to the three witches and tell them to keep their nose out."

  Chuckling, he stood up. "Will do. If you need anything..."

  Nodding robotically, I replied, "Thanks."

  Dad left and I looked at the time on my laptop. I needed to get out on my bike and blow off some steam with Tegan. I wanted to go now. I had another two hours.

  ***

  "Where are we?" she asked, running her fingers through her mass of long blonde hair. I'd taken her to a place I come often when I want to ride without many other people around getting in my way. It was peaceful out in the country and gave me time to think.

  "Not too far out of town, don't worry."

  "I'm not worried."

  Good.

  She'd been on my bike a few times before. I loved having her arms wrapped around my waist, chest squished to my back, clinging to me.

  "So,
Kai, why have you brought me to a bunch of fields on the edge of a forest?"

  I smiled and took my helmet off. "I like riding down the winding country roads, much better than looking at miles and miles of grey on the motorway. It's peaceful out here." I used to ride my bike in the country a lot, passing around the edge of the barriers to cruise along the forest roads you weren't supposed to go down. I liked that I would be the only one there.

  "It is."

  "There's no one around for miles. No cars can get down here."

  "Other than cars where the driver has the key to the gate," she said, raising her light eyebrow.

  "True, but it's six o'clock in the evening and just starting to get dark, so I doubt they'll still be working."

  "Hmm... Why did you really bring me out here, Kai?"

  Smiling, I took a few steps closer to her. "What are you suggesting?"

  "That you brought me here for some alfresco loving."

  I laughed and caught her wrist, pulling her perfect body against mine. "You've got a dirty little mind, princess. I brought you here to admire the view."

  She pressed herself against me, hooking her fingers through the belt buckles on my jeans. "Lie."

  "Not saying I won't, but that wasn't my plan."

  "Is it your plan now?"

  My mouth watered. Fuck yeah, that was my plan now!

  "Have you ever had sex on a bike?" I asked.

  She blinked in shock and slowly shook her head.

  I grinned. "Let's change that."

  "Have you?" she squeaked.

  I leant closer, nipping her ear. "No. We're changing that, too."

  "H-How? We'll fall off."

  "I wouldn't let you fall but I won't be on the bike." I pulled back and spun her around, dragging my greedy hands over her stomach, heading south. "You're going to be over it and I'll be behind."

  I heard her quick intake of breath and my dick hardened. Slipping my hand below her waistband, I growled with need. It'd only been three days since I'd last had her and that was much too long. I was addicted.

  Tegan moaned, her head dropping back against my shoulder as I reached her damp heat. I wasted no time in dipping my finger inside her, earning a hiss of my name and a roll of her hips.

  I removed my finger, retracting my hand just arched her back. "What're you doing?" she asked, glaring over her shoulder. I may have stopped but I hadn't let her move yet and I didn't plan to.