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  "This," I replied, shoving her trousers down. She gasped but didn't try stopping me. The late sun shone on her bare legs and I had to fight the urge to drop to my knees and wrap them around my shoulders. I needed to be inside her far too much for that right now.

  She stepped out of the trousers and looked over her shoulder again. Shit, I really did need her soon. I was uncomfortably hard. "Bend over the bike."

  "Won't we knock it over?"

  "Right now I don't give a fuck. Bend over, Tegan."

  She did as she was told, bending over and placing her hands on the seat in the most delicious way. I groaned at the sight of her. She was fucking beautiful, so full of light that she shoved below the surface. I wanted to break through it and show her that she could get over whatever had happened but she was the only one that could do that.

  I unzipped my jeans and let them fall to my feet along with my boxers. My erection sprang free and throbbed at the image before me.

  Tegan's heavy breaths matched my own as I pressed the tip of my cock at her entrance. Impatient as ever, she pushed her hips back, forcing me in a centimetre more. I closed my eyes, gritting my teeth. She was tight and the feeling of being inside her was out of this world.

  "Kai," she panted. "Please."

  I was done, I couldn't hold off when she begged. Gripping her firmly so she wouldn't fly forwards and take my bike with her, I rammed hard, filling her with one thrust. We both cried out loudly. Fuck, that felt good. Her walls gripped me with every thrust.

  I wanted more, wanted to go harder, faster, but I knew I couldn't if I didn't want to knock the bike over. And I told her I wouldn't let her fall. She didn't have a lot of faith in anyone right now, I was determined she'd at least have it in me.

  "Shit, Tegan," I groaned, pulling out slowly and pushing back in at the same agonisingly, perfect slow pace. I felt her tighten and ripple around me.

  "What're you doing?" she panted. She was close and I'd slowed down but it felt too good. I wanted to savour the feel of her, the warmth.

  "Kai!"

  "I know." I was balancing on the edge too. I could feel it building right down to my fucking toes.

  She pushed back harder, trying to force me to go harder. I let go of her hip with one of my hands and captured her clit between two fingers, squeezing gently. She bucked beneath me, fingers gripping the leather seat.

  "Fuck, Kai. Fuck!"

  "You're so sweary when I'm inside you," I said, hissing as she pushed back sharply. Jesus, that felt incredible. Shit.

  I felt Tegan fall over the edge, clamping hard around me and crying out my name. I followed straight away, exploding inside her, moaning deeply. This was exactly where I wanted to be, I was sure of that after knowing her just three and a half weeks. It was either going to end really good for me or really bad, I wasn't sure how long I could do in between for.

  Chapter Six

  Tegan

  Taking one last look in the mirror, I frowned. What the hell have I become? I looked older, more like twenty-one rather than seventeen. My dress was too short and revealing - not old me at all - but I wasn't really me anymore, so what did it matter anyway.

  I turned away, not wanting to see myself. After going for a ride with Kai, he'd dropped me off home to get ready for his party.

  Mum looked horrified as I walked into the living room. She didn't recognise me either - good. "Tegan, what on earth are you wearing?"

  "A dress," I replied.

  "It's very short. I don't think it's appropriate."

  I shrugged. "So?"

  "Honey, if you go out with so much on show and drink the amount you have been, anything could happen."

  I didn't care about that. I already felt cheap and dirty most of the time now, so some guy copping a feel meant nothing. And I didn't care if something worse happened. How could I? How could I be scared to die when I felt so guilty for living?

  "Don't you think you should stay in tonight," she said. A suggestion, not a demand. It was so infuriating. I wanted her to ground me and mean it. I wanted her to shout and get angry. I wanted her to fix this whole situation. I knew that was selfish, she'd lost her husband, but I needed her to fix me.

  I couldn't do it on my own. I didn't even know how to.

  "The dress is fine. See you later." I waved my hand over my shoulder as I walked out of the room, ending the conversation there. As I thought, she didn't try to stop me. Since the funeral she'd half given up being the parent. I could do whatever I wanted and she wouldn't do a thing about it. Well, she might occasionally shout but nothing came of it.

  Slamming the front door in frustration, I walked to Adam's car, parked at the side of the road.

  Show time.

  "Hey," I said, plastering on my perfected fake smile.

  His eyes flicked down to my outfit and almost bulged out of his head. He wasn't used to seeing me in short dresses either.

  "Hey. Everything okay?" he asked.

  I nodded and unscrewed the top off the vodka hidden in my handbag. Taking a swig, I winced as the alcohol burned my throat. I didn't like the taste but it did the job.

  "Fine," I said.

  Adam sighed and shook his head but said nothing. That was about as bad as it got. He and Sophie never mentioned what happened, and I was so thankful for that. They knew I didn't want to talk about it. They were pretty much the only friends I saw from school now, the rest of them kept up shoving sympathy at me. I didn't want sympathy, I wanted my dad, but that couldn't happen, so fuck it all.

  We stopped at Sophie's and Adam beeped the horn. Soph walked out seconds later. Her short, dark brown bob whipped across her face as she skipped towards us. Her pale eyes shone with excitement for the night ahead. I envied her that.

  "Good evening, ladies," she said, grinning at Adam.

  Choosing to say nothing, he rolled his eyes and pulled out of her drive.

  Sophie was an awesome friend. I could always count on her and she knew exactly how to handle every situation, which was why she never mentioned the accident. We'd known each other since the start of high school, six years ago. Adam on the other hand, had only been friends with us for two years when he moved out of London. But I was still equally close to them both.

  Ten minutes later and listening to Sophie ramble on about how she was getting with some guy called Greg, I was really ready to get out of the car. I was more than relieved when Kai's detached, red brick house came into view.

  I got out of the car literally as soon as Adam stopped. As much as I loved Sophie I couldn't stick the cheer for much longer. Thankfully, Kai had something going on at his house almost every night, even if it was just a few friends over. We hung out when he finished work, too, so I was never home much anymore. Weekends were reserved for parties and tonight was going to be a drunken one.

  The door was open as a few people trailed inside behind a guy carrying a big speaker. Kai was lucky his neighbour was a little way down the road, or the neighbour was. The motorbike that Kai made me scream over a few hours ago was safely tucked away in the garage. He usually left it out if it wasn't meant to rain. My cheeks heated just by looking at the garage door, knowing it was behind.

  I left Adam and Sophie talking to a couple of people by the front door and went to find Kai. The living room had a fair amount of almost drunk people already. I recognised a few but I didn't really know them.

  Kai wasn't in the kitchen either and no one was outside. I couldn't be bothered to wander upstairs so I decided to grab a drink first, since I was in the kitchen and all. I poured Southern Comfort in a plastic cup and added a little coke.

  "Planning on getting drunk?" Kai said into my ear, pressing his chest against my back.

  Looking over my shoulder, I gave him a shy smile. "Absolutely."

  "Hmm, I do enjoy a drunk Tegan."

  "I'll bet," I replied sarcastically.

  He smiled but it didn't reach his eyes. "I prefer you sober, though."

  I didn't.

  "Sorry, no c
an do." I took a sip. "This is a party and you've supplied a lot of alcohol."

  He raised an eyebrow. "So it's my fault you're going to get wasted?"

  "Correct," I replied, turning on the spot so we were chest to chest. "You just said you enjoy drunk Tegan, too."

  "I did. I do." He was holding something back and the longer he looked into my eyes the more I worried he was seeing right through me, seeing the real, painfully unhappy, completely lost me. I held his gaze, refusing to back down. I didn't want anyone to see that vulnerability. I would rather they thought I was a heartless cow.

  "Good," I said, taking a long sip of my drink.

  Kai's dark brown eyes continued to delve down to what seemed like my very core. Stop. Seeing. Me.

  "Want to dance?" I asked.

  With a small half-smile, he nodded, stepping back and holding his hand out. "Sure, princess."

  That was better. I'd rather him be normal and call me that stupid nickname. I was the furthest thing from a fucking princess, in any form.

  I put my drink down and took his hand, walking back into the living room where a few people were dancing around the DJ. The addition of the third speaker made it a lot louder and the people that had been talking had moved outside.

  Kai pulled me against his chest and I gripped his tattoo covered upper arm. I hadn't been close enough to really see every part of the intricate tattoo yet. Well, I had been close enough but I was usually too distracted to check the ink out. I loved what I had seen though, all clouds and stars and a clock that I wasn't sure what it meant. I needed to see it properly.

  Kai was a good dancer, but I knew that already, and he did this sexy thing where he stared into my eyes, gripping my hips and holding me tight against him. It got me every time and made my blood simmer.

  He was the best distraction. When I was with him I didn't need to try to forget, I just did. We moved perfectly together, as if we'd practiced a thousand times over. I let him take everything away, take me away so there was no more running or hiding. I was free from the crippling need to make everything disappear.

  Kai's lips moved but I couldn't hear what he said over the sound of Usher's saying 'yeah' a million times. I pulled his head down, capturing his lip in a hot and heavy kiss. As good as he was at dancing he was even better with his mouth. Kai quickly took over the kiss, the way he usually did. I didn't mind, it was too good to fight over who was in control.

  His fingertips - still on my hips - pinched my flesh through my skin-tight dress. I loved it when lust started taking over. The foggy haze of all things Kai took over completely, and I wasn't broken or drowning anymore.

  "Kai," I said over the music.

  Nuzzling my neck, he replied, "Hmm?"

  "Take me upstairs and make me forget my own name."

  His hand left my hip and wrapped around my wrist. I was practically dragged up to his bedroom.

  Chapter Seven

  Tegan

  I woke up to a mildly thumping head. Light burned my eyes through the curtains. Shit, it's morning!

  I groaned.

  "Hey," Kai whispered from beside me. "I made you some toast. You should eat something." He handed me a plate and my stomach turned. Could I eat it without throwing up?

  "Thanks, Kai." I took the plate, grabbed a slice and bit into it. My stomach screamed for food, but I wouldn't be able to handle much. "You feeling okay?" I asked between mouthfuls.

  I didn't dare look at my phone. Mum would probably be worrying. She would definitely be worrying. But it wasn't like I hadn't stayed out all night before and I was with Adam and Sophie so she would most likely assume I was at Soph's.

  "I'm good. Are you?" I got the feeling he wasn't just asking about my hangover.

  "I am now, yeah."

  Lie.

  "Your Mum's been calling and texting. I phoned Sophie to ask her to text your mum and let her know you've stayed at hers. She might not believe that, though."

  Didn't matter if she believed it or not, she wouldn't do anything about it. "Thanks, Kai."

  "Want me to take you home after you've eaten?"

  "Trying to get rid of me?"

  "No, just trying not to get you in too much trouble."

  "I won't be in trouble," I said.

  I looked away from his dark eyes. At that moment he was a completely open book, eyes saying, you might not care now but you'll regret it later. Maybe I would, but what was the point in planning or worrying about the future? Dad had hundreds of things he wanted to do, he was worrying about a big presentation at work, but then he died and none of it mattered. Nothing matters.

  ***

  At twelve o'clock, just thirty minutes after I'd woken up, Kai drove me home in his car this time. He did our usual of stopping a few houses down so Mum wouldn't see him.

  As I reached the end of my drive, my phone beeped with a text from Kai. I smiled at his eagerness. 'Wanna come out tonight?'

  I typed a quick reply agreeing and shoved my key in the lock. The door flew open before I could even get a chance to open it. Ava stood in front of me, her face almost red with anger. "Why are you being so fucking selfish?" she snapped.

  "Why are you such a dramatic bitch?" I pushed past her and headed upstairs.

  "Think of Mum, Tegan," Ava shouted after me. Think of Mum. I could barely think of anything. I liked it that way.

  I dumped my bag in my room and went to the bathroom for a much needed shower. Showers used to make me feel better, the water washing away whatever drama was going on. Now it just made me wet.

  Mum had promised that after his funeral things would start to get better. She said we'd be fine. Stupidly I believed her. Nothing was even remotely better. I still felt like I was treading water, so close to drowning.

  I had a quick, steaming hot shower and got out, wrapping a large towel around my body. After getting dry and dressed I left, not bothering to do my hair or make-up. Looking in the mirror was hard, I didn't recognise the person staring back at me.

  "We're going to Nan and Grandad's for dinner," Ava said as I passed her in the hallway. Her voice was clipped; she was still angry.

  "That's nice," I replied, dodging into my room and curling up under the cover. She followed.

  I missed her. I missed me.

  We were fairly close, I suppose. When I was little I followed her around, wanting to be just like her. I wouldn't mind being more like her now, she was dealing the way everyone expected you to when someone you loved died - cry and miss them but take them with you while you carried on.

  I stayed under the cover, waiting for whatever lecture was coming.

  "You're not coming, Tegan, really?"

  "Nope. Busy."

  She turned her nose up. "Fine, suit yourself."

  I jumped as she slammed the door behind her.

  About two hours after Ava left my room, Mum knocked on the door.

  "Tegan, come with us. Please."

  I could hear the hurt in her voice and it made my stomach clench. I wished I had some magical cure to make her feel better, too, but I knew there was nothing I could do for her. She had Ava to comfort her and to comfort. They were more like best friends than mother and daughter. Sometimes I wished we could have done some of the things she did with Ava, but I guess we just had a different relationship. I was Daddy's girl and Ava was Mummy's.

  "Mum, I'm going out with Adam and Sophie."

  I watched as fight passed through her eyes. It was gone as quickly as it appeared. She wanted to make me, she wanted to set the rules and force me to follow. I half wanted that too. We both knew she wasn't going to.

  "Right," she replied with a heavy sigh. "Okay. Don't be too late."

  I nodded, but me agreeing meant as little as her order.

  "Honey, why don't you practice the piano? We could re-schedule your exam."

  "No," I replied. I didn't even want to look at a piano, let alone play the fucking thing.

  "But-"

  "No, Mum. I don't want to play anymore," I said
. It was something I did with Dad, now he was gone it meant nothing.

  "Tegan, I..."

  "No," I said, slightly more sternly than before.

  "Alright. Well, remember tomorrow we're leaving right after lunch."

  See, she knew I wouldn't be home early enough for her to give me the run-down of tomorrow's events later.

  "Yep," I replied. I was so not looking forward to visiting the Daniels. Carl was doing well and as much of a bitch as it made me I couldn't quite be jumping for joy over it.

  At half past seven I started to get ready. I curled my hair and put on a little make-up. My outfit was a short dark denim skirt and hot pink camisole that showed off a small amount of cleavage. Again, I looked older and like a stranger.

  Just as I was finishing up Kai beeped his horn. Knowing that I was going to be with him again tonight made me relax a bit. Tomorrow was going to be a nightmare so I was determined to shove everything away for as long as I could. No one did that better for me than Kai.

  I left the house feeling optimistic, for the night anyway.

  He stared at my legs, not even bothering to hide his ogling as I got in his car. "Eyes are up here, Kai," I said sarcastically.

  He grinned, unashamed. "Sorry. You look... My mouth is actually watering."

  "Thanks." Mine is, too. He looked drop dead gorgeous in dark jeans and a black shirt. The top two buttons were undone; giving a peek at the dog tags he wore around his neck.

  "So, cheesy new club then?" he asked.

  "Sounds...shit but I'm sure the company won't be."

  He smirked. "I'll make sure you have a good night."

  I didn't doubt it for a second.

  Chapter Eight

  Kai

  Tegan was still fast asleep at ten-thirty and I wasn't sure if I should wake her or let her sleep. She'd mentioned something when she was off her tits on vodka about going somewhere she didn't want to go. I didn't know what time this thing she didn't want to do was.

  Last night I'd also found out why she looked like she was in constant pain. Her dad had died. That was fucking rough. You expected your parents to go first but not until you were all old.